I have spent several years of my life chasing a dream. A dream of living a satisfied
life. We needed more money, a different home, a different geography for that different
home. I have contemplated going back to school to find a great career, starting
my own business, living abroad, or heaven help me, just living away from the Midwest.
I have strategized, planned, made pay off schedules and spent hours researching
and pinning dream boards on Pinterest. You know what? None of that is wrong. What
has been wrong is my heart. I have chased all of these dreams with a great hope
that they would bring me fulfillment. Every single time we have moved, it has been
with great hope for new and wonderful adventures. Every single time I have been
sorely disappointed. I don't know about you, but repeating that pattern over and
over gets old. It's discouraging and depressing.
I had a dream and strangely felt like it was God speaking to me.
In past blogs I have been giving an account of my healing journey with Jesus. A
few weeks ago I discovered another layer in my life. I had had a dream that was
confusing but strangely felt like it was God speaking to me. Then, a day later a
random conversation with someone pointed even more to the fact that God was putting
his finger on something. So, I did some heart exploration, and had a talk with a
close friend about it all. Through all of that, the Holy Spirit spoke to me about
the fact that I had made a covenant with grief.
I had made a covenant with grief.
I have been abandoned more than once. As a child, and in a very serious relationship.
In all of the pain that comes with things like that I had allowed my heart to be
tied to grief. Now, understand me, there is a time for grieving. It is definitely
a part of the healing process. I had just never let that time end. I had lived most
of my life with a layer of sadness, pain and grief lining everything. YUK! Consequently
I have spent so much time searching for a new place, a new me, a new thing, but
never finding it. In that moment, with my friend there, God gently revealed my heart.
Then He even more gently removed that connection with grief. There was no fanfare,
no fireworks, I simply said, "I release this to you Jesus". Over the next several
weeks I noticed a huge difference in myself. Something is missing from my heart.
The grief that was never supposed to be there is gone.
No ministry position can fill up the space that my identity should occupy.
None of this means that I will stop dreaming, or pursuing things that I have longed
for. I have just discovered that my circumstances cannot dictate my heart's joy.
No amount of money, no size of home, no location or career, no ministry position
can fill up the space that my identity should occupy. Joy comes from just being.
It's in being who I am, a daughter of God. My living circumstances do not add or
take away from my worth. It's not connected to any outer thing, It's all an inside
job. I look forward to the future because I know that no matter what that future
is, there will be joy.